


nothing without you

by angstoverload (TypicalAuthornim)



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: (tbh i cried over the MV more than anything), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brothers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loads of Angst, Minor Kang Daniel/Kim Jaehwan, Minor Kang Daniel/Park Jihoon, One Shot, Other, Song Lyrics, Song: Beautiful, Wanna One Ensemble - Freeform, a cruel cold-hearted emotionless person, im a sadist, im crying why am i so angsty, like really minor you have to squint hard, so beautiful, to think my first ongniel fic is about his death in Beautiful MV....
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-01 19:12:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12711189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TypicalAuthornim/pseuds/angstoverload
Summary: after seongwoo, daniel simply didn't know what to do. he was his pillar of support, after all, even when he wasn't there for years.now it's just... now it's just him and loneliness.





	nothing without you

**Author's Note:**

> my first wanna one fic and im a crying mess and a sadist  
> this is my assumed epilogue or sequel to 'Beautiful', the MV is such a beautiful tragedy but the ending ;; and the screentime ;; just those and this would be my ultimate fav comeback (as if it isn't already)
> 
> feel free to yell at me on my twitter: [@typical_fangrl](twitter.com/typical_fangrl) :D 
> 
> please don't hate me im quite new to this fandom so if any character's ooc, please understand ;; and lowercase intended c:
> 
> Vietnamese Translation available [here](https://duatienchotrai.wordpress.com/oneshot/nothing-without-you/) by the wonderful cuanehihi! thank you so much!!

_hope this stupid and regretful song reaches the skies,  
_

_hope all my nights of tearful prayers reaches your heart._

 

➰

 

how many days had it been? he doesn't know. it's all a mess in his mind, crying, passing out, yelling, and repeating it. it feels like it had been long since there had been anything eventful, anything that could really distract him.

 

it's all seongwoo in his mind, and he hates it. loves it. regrets it.

 

he holds in the fresh tears that spring up at the mere thought of the name, trying to stop being a weakling. seongwoo always said it was only little kids who cried. but he also said crying is good, so daniel's at a loss on what to do. should he cry or should he not.

 

the knocking on his door has stopped a couple of days ago, and he had left it open since then. he knows daehwi always comes in thrice-- to try make him eat. every time, it had either been him yelling at the poor boy or ignoring him altogether.

 

so far, only four people hadn't come to see him: jihoon, jisung, minhyun.

 

and seongwoo.

 

the fact is so painfully obvious that the tears that he held in come out anyway. he feels pathetic, he  _is_ pathetic as he blindly reaches for the photo frame on his night table.

 

he looks up only when he hears a crash, and a shatter of glass.

 

the photo frame-- the only one, of him and seongwoo-- had broken, the frame slit at corners and the glass cracked and splayed all over the wooden floor.

 

he's such a fucking  _idiot_ , he should've told seongwoo to go and get caught instead. seongwoo could've helped jihoon, maybe won the competition too. he's so fucking useless, all he did was damage everything. seongwoo, minhyun, jihoon, his long-lost family.

 

his own heart.

 

there's a cry from deep down his throat that's not exactly a sob or a yell-- it's weird and not exactly human either, but he doesn't care. he lets himself fall from the bed, reaching for the now broken photo frame and hugs it, crying almost hysterically.

 

_come back_ , he wishes with the glasses pricking his chest, and maybe his heart, too.  _come back_.

 

➰

 

it's two months later than minhyun visits the house. the house which was once so familiar and bright, now dark and unrecognizable. daniel's no better, and daehwi had made the home his second one, apart from the orphanage. he wasn't of age yet, so it could only be his second home.

 

"i-is--" he cannot question it anymore, his eyes say everything.  _is daniel fine?_

 

daehwi sighs, looking at the floor. "i guess... i guess he has his own ways to cope." he supports his face with his palm. _dejected,_ minhyun could immediately recognize. "he isn't good."

 

minhyun simply doesn't know what to do. it was the loss of a good friend for him, but it is also a loss to a family. he can never compare his grief with theirs; it's different in a lot of ways.

 

minhyun remembers seongwoo telling about daniel's odd part-time jobs, where the boy won't even argue of they pay him less. he had also told about his dream. he wonders if daniel's still planning on following his dream; wonders if he can.

 

"c-can i see him?" he asks, hesitant and unsure. it was daniel, after all, as much of a brother to him as he was to seongwoo. but still, things were radically different now.

 

his mother nods, eyes fixated on the floor. maybe she wanted to hide her grief, maybe she didn't want to show her grief. minhyun doesn't know; doesn't want to guess.

 

it's a long walk up to daniel's room through the small corridor. he's left alone, to fend for himself, and he's nervous and really,  _really_ afraid. what if he doesn't want to see him anymore? what if he hated him for becoming a policeman when seongwoo couldn't?

 

he didn't know that much about that night, but if he were there, he would've saved seongwoo. or get himself caught along with him. he's sure about that. he would've done anything that he could in order to save seongwoo. the accident was one that no one really expected, not daniel in the boxing ring, not minhyun in the police station, and definitely not jihoon or jisung outside the boxing ring. it was unexpected.

 

he knocks on the door which was already slightly ajar, not wanting to intrude. he doesn't really know if he should see him, given the boy would be feeling all guilty, and seeing him might just intensify it, but he feels this jarring need to check on him; take care of him like seongwoo would have. but he cannot recreate a relationship with him like how he had with seongwoo, so he wishes he could do something.

 

daehwi follows right behind him, every bit worried and concerned like he is. he doesn't blame the boy; he doesn't think no one had ever seen daniel in such a state. daniel, who was always happy and bright and kind of carefree, holed up in is own cocoon of depression and grief like this. hell, not even seongwoo would have seen such a face.

 

he stops for a good minute when he sees the boy curled up in a far corner of his bed, knees high up till his chest and unmoving. maybe he passed out from exhaustion, minhyun thinks and is ready to turn around when he hears a faint whisper in the air.

 

"seongwoo hyung,"

 

it sounds a lot like desperation and guilt, and a lot less normal. he almost thinks it's his own hallucination when he hears it again.

 

"seongwoo hyung, please... stay."

 

he sees daniel's legs curl up even more, shivering under seongwoo's blanket and his own on top of it. he walks closer, fear gripping his chest as he closes the distance step by step.

 

"daniel-ah?" he calls out carefully, not wanting to startle him, but he stays still, as if he never even heard him.

 

"s-seongwoo--"

 

a racking cough replaces his desperate voice, and minhyun swears he could feel the heat even from the considerable distance between them.

 

"hyung? daniel hyung?" daehwi moves forward, almost pushing minhyun away.

 

he doesn't actually register what happened after that, memories reeling in to the one time seongwoo was in the same state, and before he could get himself together, daniel was well out on his way to the hospital, muttering his late brother's name like a prayer, a promise of forever that was broken in a second.

 

he feels like he just saw a nightmare the second time; a nightmare of losing another person he treasured. because apart from seongwoo, he never really had anyone to say he was close with. since high school, it had been him and seongwoo. dreaming together, hoping together, being together, minhyun had somehow forgotten about the time where he was by himself. it was all seongwoo, and suddenly nothing was him anymore.

 

and now, he doesn't want to lose the one person who reminded him of seongwoo the most.

 

➰

 

in retrospect, daniel thinks he knew all along, that happiness was never his to stay. all he could do was chase an impossible route to the utopia called happiness, chase it but still fall behind so much he can't even see it. that was all he could ever do, so he feels stupid for even thinking about it.

 

chasing a fever dream was what he always did. a non-existent dream which was never his to begin with.

 

in retrospect, he thinks he knew it when seongwoo slipped from the staircase, at the boxing ring, when he blanked out so much he didn't even see the punch coming in. and he just... gave up. he didn't try to fight like he had wanted to, all the time. his jaw felt dislocated, but taking over that was the pain in his head. he thinks its barely coincidence that seongwoo had died from the same injury he had experienced, even in the least bit.

 

and somewhere in his heart, he thinks seongwoo knew it too; thinks he felt it too. the moment he fell down.

 

he wonders what would have happened if that fateful night never existed. if seongwoo had not found them, if daniel hadn't run in to fight off the guy to save jihoon, if jihoon hadn't punched him in the first place, if jisung had just gone the other way round the table, never bumping into the guy in the first place.

 

it's so unfair. the one who started everything is probably intimidating someone else again, while he's here, having lost the one person he treasured the most and hanging onto the frail string of life. it's really unfair.

 

it hurts even more that the guy wouldn't even know about this. the catalyst of every single loss in his life, and he would be fucking  _happy_.

 

just that thought makes him want to kill that guy.

 

it's been almost two days since he woke up to the ceiling of a hospital, diagnosed of extreme dehydration and exhaustion. but none of the reports explained why his heart hurt so much like it was being ripped off his chest. none of them explained why he felt like he was losing everything he thought he had a hold on; or why he felt like he was losing himself too.

 

after crying for two months, he had resorted to radio silence. it's been three days since he spoke a word, sleeping it off during the day and always staring outside the widow at nights. he knows everyone's withdrawing from him, sure that this was his state from now on. jisung and jihoon still hadn't visited him, and he isn't sure if they will; wasn't sure if he wanted them to.

 

every day felt hard to get through, without the one person he wished to spend his whole life with, even if there was no sure answer if he could ever see him. and when he did, he just  _had_ to be taken away.

 

he knew that minhyun came to visit him that day when he was admitted to the hospital. he wishes he had seen him, asked him about the memories he had with seongwoo; try to live through them like he would have, had he not went to fetch that ball ten years ago. 

 

minhyun visits him again, five days since he'd been admitted to the hospital, a day since he had been brought back home. daehwi practically lives with him in his room, concerned about his health and blaming it on himself for not taking care of him well. daniel wants to say it wasn't his fault, really. it was never anyone's fault but himself's.

 

"how are you?" minhyun asks, and he replies with a hum that sounds more like a strangled whimper.  _maybe. maybe not._

 

it explains how he feels about everything.  _maybe, maybe not._

 

would anything have changed?  _maybe, maybe not._

 

could he have changed places with seongwoo?  _maybe, maybe not?_

 

could he have died instead?  _maybe, maybe not._

 

would he ever be happy?

 

_maybe, maybe not_.

 

➰

 

sometimes, he feels like he's stopped way back when seongwoo died, six months ago, while everything around him rushes in fast-forward. it's like he's a broken clock, at the same place, forever grieving his loss, while the world around him goes on without a care.

 

he's stuck. he's not sure if he would ever come out.

 

or maybe, he's still stuck in the time he had got lost, separated from his family, bawling for his brother because there was no one who held so much comfort and warmth as seongwoo did. maybe's he's still stuck in the time he and seongwoo fell far apart, fated to different lives. maybe he's stuck in his 8-year old self.

 

he doesn't know; doesn't know if he  _wants_ to know.

 

it's one of the rare times that he steps out of the room, brave enough to face the world that he has yet to catch up on.

 

it's almost midnight, he guesses from the way the lights are off in the tiny living room and how the moon was shining through the window. seongwoo always liked to look at the stars, he remembers, and moves closer to the window, sitting down gingerly. he's still feeling feverish, but he guesses this is much better than the time he passed out.

 

seongwoo always believed that people have a star they'll go to once they pass the mortal world, a funny belief that came to place when their grandfather passed away and their mother had given this as a reason. it's really funny, when he thinks back: they were innocent kids, never questioning that much.

 

he wonders why they ever grew up. growing up was so arduous, tiring, and unfair. as kids, the world was only a beautiful place filled with happiness, and nothing else. growing up turned the world into a dark abyss. he hated that it became that way.

 

"hyung," he whispers to himself, toying around with one of the framed pictures-- seongwoo and their parents, probably when daniel was still missing from the family. "you-you're a star now, right?"

 

he chuckles, chuckles until he starts to cry. it's so pathetic, really. the stars were shining bright and beautiful in the twilight, but here he was, crying under the brilliance of the sky, wondering why the stars took his brother away. was his love much lesser than that of the stars? didn't he love seongwoo enough that his heart could've burst from the overflow? were the stars so much powerful than him to have taken his happiness away, just like that?

 

without realizing, he's crying yet again. sometimes he wonders if he could ever cry blood, and wishes he does. if he just could, if he could show his desperation to have seongwoo back, then maybe-- maybe he would come back. maybe he'd be here, as if nothing happened. as if everything's a bad, elaborated dream.

 

there's a hand over his shoulder, trying to embrace it completely. he doesn't look up, but the warmth is comforting for the chill midnight winds.

 

he doesn't keep an eye on how long he's there, but as he drifts off, the stars shine so brightly that it seems to blind him. as if to tell him it's okay, that they will take care of his brother now. that they will love him in his stead.

 

and he feels okay with that.

 

➰

 

when he wakes up, there's no one beside him. but the warmth of the arm around his shoulders still remain, as if someone's still there, looking over him.

 

he thinks it's his hallucination and goes back to sleep, even if the sunlight was burning his eyelids. until he feels a tight grip on his arm. he freezes, eyes wide and completely awake by then. he turns around, just to make sure he wasn't thinking stuff and maybe someone was there-- maybe daehwi. he doesn't know. or sungwoon; he remember seeing him around last night.

 

he takes a deep, shuddered breath, and whispers. "seongwoo-hyung?"

 

the warmth of the arm disappears immediately, and he's left to his own thoughts yet again.

 

➰

 

it takes a whole six months for jisung to make his mind up, brave it and come to see him. he still thinks it's all his fault, that he was the starting point of an endless grief. of course, he didn't know seongwoo that well, but he knew daniel like the back of his hand. having grown up with him, having been there by his side whenever he missed his brother, having been that brother-like figure himself whenever daniel needed, jisung knows how daniel would feel after losing the person he had waited to live with for all these years.

 

"hyung?"

 

he turns around to see jihoon, the cast on his arm a painful sight. didn't he have it off yet?

 

"you're going to see daniel hyung?"

 

"hm," jisung nods, sighing at his reflection in the mirror. "well, i should see him  _someday_ , right? i can't avoid him forever."

 

jihoon nods. jisung's eyes fall on his cast-- it wasn't still off, and he looked at it with a wince. the doctor had told that he could resume daily works and even practice again, but jihoon seems to be not interested in any of that.

 

" _daniel hyung is more interested in it than i am. i'm fine with not boxing,_ " he'd say. but jisung knew, he knew that deep down somewhere, jihoon still had that fiery passion.

 

"hyung, can i--" jihoon starts but pauses, strangely nervous and fidgety. since when did talking to jisung become this hard? "can i come with you?"

 

jisung looks at him wide-eyed. he isn't sure if that's a good idea, because he too was one of the reason for everything that had happened. he gulps, eyebrows furrowing in worry.

 

maybe jihoon noticed it, so he comes up closer. "ah, its-- it's okay, hyung. maybe-- i'll go see him later, yeah, later." he nods to himself, a pitiful method of consoling and convincing himself. "you should go, really."

 

jisung sighs. for once, he isn't able to hold the center of it all, like he  _should_ \-- he couldn't be the eldest that is capable of everything. he smiles weakly and puts a hand over jihoon, pulling him to his level. "get ready. you can come with me."

 

jihoon's eyes widen, and he's a stuttering mess when he asks if he really meant it.

 

➰

 

"daehwi? jaehwan? what-what're you guys--" daniel stutters in confusion as he sees the two right after he opens his eyes.

 

"see? i told you he'd call me first! now give me that five hundred won," daehwi tells jaehwan, as if his question didn't even matter.

 

"ah, daniel~! i was the one who was actually looking at you!" jaehwan whines, and daniel is utterly confused as daehwi pesters the elder to give him five hundred won for whatever reason it was.

 

"what are you guys doing here?" he asks, meaning  _aren't you back at the orphanage yet? are you still here, trying to look after me who'll never be better again?_

 

"we were betting on who you'd call first as soon as you saw us-- and like i said, you called my name!" daehwi says, easily dodging the question.

 

"i asked what you're doing here. aren't you going back?"

 

"how could we?" jaehwan says, lips pursed in all seriousness. "how could we be away when you're not fine at all? besides, you're pathetic without us."

 

daehwi doesn't hesitate to swat at jaehwan, probably gesturing about how insensitive his words were.

 

daniel just chuckles. he's right; he was pathetic without all of them beside him. and he already lost one person; he doesn't want to lose any more.

 

"i-i was just kidding, of course you knew that!" jaehwan corrects immediately, laughing it off awkwardly. "right?"

 

but somewhere in the jokes, lied the undeniable truth. he needed them. he needed them so much that without them he wasn't even a person anymore.

 

he beckons the two closer, shaking his head when they ask him what it was. as soon as one of them-- daehwi-- reaches him, he pulls him into a tight hug, letting everything finally sink into place.

 

seongwoo wasn't coming anymore. and maybe seongwoo wished that he would move on in life.

 

everything felt right at that moment, just right and how it was always supposed to be.

 

as soon as daehwi realizes that his hyung is crying, he's flustered and doesn't know what to do. he looks at jaehwan who looks as clueless and helpless as himself, who just joins the hug and puts a hand over his friend's back, trying to make him feel fine.

 

there were good days, bad days and better days. this was one among it, and daniel wants this day to last forever. it feels comfortable, relaxing and warm now, like he had always wanted. he realized shouldn't ignore anything that he has now because he lost one most precious thing ever in his life.

 

somewhere, he's sure seongwoo is smiling. somewhere, wherever that lucky place is. he knows his brother would be waiting for him, like he did all these years.

 

➰

 

jisung is surprised to see daniel smiling, a hand over daehwi's head, carding through his hair as he watched tv. the last time he heard from daehwi, he was broken beyond the point of repair, grieved beyond consolation. even daehwi felt like giving up on him; the one who looked up to daniel the most.

 

"hyung! come on, we just started!" jaehwan beckons him closer, patting the floor beside him but eyes glued on the tv. it takes a while for jisung to realize that they were watching their favorite drama series--  _beautiful_.

 

no one notices jihoon following jisung in small, hesitant steps, but just as he's about to cower to a corner, daehwi calls him and path the place beside him. "come on! you're comfortable," he smiles widely, looking up at daniel who keeps on smiling.

 

jihoon wonders if his face would ever hurt from smiling way too much. ever since they met, daniel had been nothing but a wide smile-- it shut off a lot of questions. jihoon knew how much he hated being estranged from his family like this. he knows how much he loved his brother, how he would pray to see him every day, every night without fail. he knew how much he dreamed to be in his place: to never know who his parents were, and do what he loves.

 

only daniel actually remembered his family when he came to the orphanage. the rest of the kids had completely no idea of where their biological relations were. whether they had a sister or a brother. whether they had grandparents who waited for them every summer. it was comparatively better than daniel's story.

 

and now, when he finally got his family back...

 

jihoon tries to hold in his tears, but a single tear trickles down anyway as he snuggles into daehwi's shoulder.

 

he doesn't notice the rest of them inviting themselves at jisung's request. daniel's questioning on how everyone were coming at the same time, but the living room is almost full with everyone. even minhyun had came, settling down gingerly on one corner.

 

somehow, everything feels right. even without seongwoo, he feels his heart fill up. all this time, he had thought he only needed his brother to fill the emptiness in his heart, to give him the love he had missed for ten years, to complete him.

 

now, he realized that he didn't need seongwoo alone. because the rest-- his best friends,  _brothers_ \-- took care of him now. they would always be there, daniel knew this for sure. he knows it in the way they are all around him, through every step of his life. minhyun might still be a stranger mostly, but he's sure that everyone would warm up to him in no time.

 

in the end, all it took was love. everyone were nothing without each other.

**Author's Note:**

> heheheh /awkward laughing
> 
> pls give love for my very first wanna one fic? :D


End file.
